It Is Almost Time...

...for my disability hearing. I have waited so long! Years! I think back over the years and am so greatful (intentionally misspelled) to be here and remember moments that I have no idea how I made it past. I've had the depression since I was a kid. I seriously don't remember a time that it wasn't lurking in the back of my brain waiting to come out and torment me. It was discovered that I had higher than normal cholesterol when I was 19 (1994). I started having panic attacks and found out I had an irregular heart rhythm and tachyarrhythmia when I was 20 (1995). I could go on with this timeline to the present day, but it is already looking pathetic as it is. I have a lot wrong with me... mentally and physically. The physical really wears on the mental that is already there, but I do NOT let it win!! I will NOT EVER let it win. I have a purpose.

My purpose is not to sit here on my butt collecting a disability payment each month, giving nothing back to my fellow earthlings. I have plans. I am currently doing research/talking to people to see about starting a Mental Illness Support Group here in Bosworth for the surrounding communities. We have so few resources out here in "the sticks." We need to pull together in order to be stronger as individuals. I am also looking into starting an organization for the Community similar to the ISFoundation, if not a "branch" of it. There is a lot that can be done in these smaller communities that will, over time, make a difference on our planet. I want Bosworth to be the first spark... and hopefully through networking... that spark will spread to the other small communities around here. This is going to take some work on my part. I know I can't go it alone with my anxiety issues, but Tausha (my community support specialist) and I are starting a new "phase" of my treatment plan. I will actually be leaving the house every week. We are going to be working on activities that I have lost the ability to do in the last 7ish years. One of the things I want to do is work with the elderly. I used to work in an Alzheimer's Unit and loved it! I would sing to the residents on and off all day. I would sing everything from country to goofy kids songs to gospel. I do an awesome "Amazing Grace" if I do say so myself, and I do! The residents loved it. I can't work with them anymore, but I can still sing... and someday I will!!

Being Human

I found a new show on Netflix that I rather like... I think... At least I can relate to the characters which could be construed as a weird thing. As I was watching the first epidsode and considering the storylines, etc... It hit me. I can relate to vampires and werewolves more than I can to "normal" humans... Enter Aidan and Josh. Sally, the ghost is just a bonus.

I started feeling "down," for lack of a better term, a couple days ago. I know it is best to stay away from people during this time because not long after the down feeling shows up the agitated, angry, hates the world feeling pops in to join the party. Friday, I did okay. Stayed away from the Feeds and Group on FB. Stayed in my room. Left messenger off. Didn't talk to anyone on the phone unless I absolutely had to. Yesterday, I get this big idea that maybe I have been going about this in the wrong way. Maybe I need to go into the group and just stick to my Spatties. They make me laugh. They can lift my spirits. BAD IDEA! I ended up attacking someone trying to protect a friend and made things worse. My mistake... Won't make it again... People need to fight their own battles... and a good joke is NOT going to help me in anyway. If it could, there would be far less suicides in the world. Less people would find the need to cut or drink or drug out... My problem isn't mental... something that I just thought up... My problem is physical...

How can I relate to Vampires and Weres? I don't always have control of my own body... If I ever do... I take so many medications for my age that I get pity looks from nurses when they send me to see a new specialist. Next weeks new flavor is a new G.I. Specialist. Great! Another person in the world to be obsessed about what goes down my throat and comes out my ass! But ask my ex-husband and his family... ask some of my family and ex-friends... there is nothing wrong with me except I am "lazy" and "messed up in the head." WTF?! Why would ANYONE choose to live like this?! Why would anyone put themselves through all the doctors and tests and medications and surgeries and lectures if they had a choice?!

Well, I do have a choice... 5 years ago, I made the wrong one and was lucky enough to succeed in living through my second and hopefully final suicide attempt! Why not say I had a "failed suicide attempt"? Because I lived, and living is not a failure it is a success... if it is done right, but living with my issues is not easy. The "morning after" my attempt I woke up... Ironically, it was January 1st. I realized that I had a purpose in living... many actually. I know that all the illnesses that I have fought and lost or won have been leading me toward my future path. But... that is for another day...

I do fight... everyday! One of the girls from the high school I graduated from became "Miss Missouri Outstanding Teen" this year and went on to compete on the National level. Her platform is inspiring, but just once I want to see a competitor with platform based on Mental Illness Awareness... Purging the negative views placed on Mental Illness that are so rampant in society. Educating everyone that we can't always help what we say and do, but the pain and regret and guilt are always there no matter what...

We are all animals. Our bodies are subjected to disease that destroys our organs... ALL of them... Hearts, brain, thyroid, liver, gall bladder, lungs... EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. They fuck with our minds... make us feel things like anger and depression and euphoria with no tangible reason. We can either hide, put a mask on, or let it all hang out. Problem is that we are not accepted as we are... We tend to hurt or piss people off without meaning to... I removed my mask 5 years ago. I will NOT put it on again. It was eating me alive... I came to that conclusion as I stood in the doorway to my hospital room, starring at the double, metal, locked doors of the mental ward I was staying in.

We are animals... like the Werewolf on the show... trying to hide what we really are so that we can be accepted and loved and not abhorred. That is why I hide. I have a part of me that I have no control over. It attacks when it wants. I lash out if not contained to my room and from FB... That part was announced to the world 5 years ago. I have one sister who won't speak to me unless she has to. She says I hurt her too much with my attempt. My other sister will never forgive me either. We talk occasionally even though we live less than a block from each other, but it is only superficial crap... My attempt will always be that big, fat baby shit green Elephant in the room. Friends? Real Ones? I run from them... I have since 2003 when one of my favorite friends was killed along with her husband, also a friend and both of her parents who were great people. I run from friends to avoid pain. Yesterday proved that online "friends" can hurt me just as much as the ones I could see if I were to find a way to step out that front door and start to live again. But that would involve me taking chances. I'm not ready...

We are animals. "The moon no longer holds sway over the lycans." A line from Underworld, the first one... the one that got me addicted. The moon holds sway over every living creature. Some have heard nurses, doctors, aides, etc. talking about how the moon can cause a woman to go into labor... it causes mating rituals along with other "animal" things out in nature... it causes "mental" patients to get crazier than they already were... Old Wives Tales? Nope. I worked in an Alzheimer's unit for around 6 months while I was pregnant with my daughter. We dreaded that time of the month. One month, I was 7 months pregnant, I was helping a male resident along with another aide to go to the restroom. A female resident thought this was her husband, and I was taking him away from her. He was NOT her husband, of course, but she wouldn't listen. She slapped one of the other residents with a wet washcloth to get to me and then proceeded to punch me in the stomach. The pain took me to my knees and then to my OB Doc. Abby was fine, but I was scared shitless from that moment until months later when she survived an accidental overdose on my part... Nose drops... EMT/CNA... and I didn't read the box... When she lived, I knew she wasn't going to leave me like all the others had... She was my miracle. But I still feel the moon... the way she affects me. I can't sleep. I get anxious and angry and depressed... I am a Yo-Yo.

I don't write these posts on this blog to get pity. I write them to vent... to try to get people, "normal" people to understand just a little bit of what "we" go through... to influence others to FIGHT to live and to stop hiding from themselves and get the help they need so they can live a semi-normal life on the days that our bodies allow us... to speak out to others so they may help me in the fight to rid the world of the negative social stigma so that, hopefully, the voiceless can be heard and helped... to save lives...

Brutal Honesty

I've decided it is time for some brutal honesty. I love honesty, don't you? I am almost always honest. The only times I try NOT to be is when those little white lies are necessary to keep from hurting someone's feelings... "No those jeans don't make your butt look big." When you really wanna say, "Honey, NOTHING could make your butt look small!" Then there is the "Oh, you got all A's and B's! I'm so proud!" when in the back of your mind you are doing your best not to say, "Why didn't you get all A's like your brother? Sure, he tests at genius level, but both of your fathers came from the shallow end of the gene pool!" Anyways, as I was saying, look out world... here comes MY honesty!

I have mental and physical illnesses, both of which tend to affect the other. My mental illness list has more abbreviations than a NASA handbook on driving the shuttle. I once read a bumper sticker that said, "I don't suffer from mental illness, I enjoy every minute of it." Well, I don't. I am depressed a lot. I tend to hide from the world behind closed doors and my computer. I have also attempted suicide twice as an adult, but I succeeded in NOT winning that "non-choice." I say "non-choice" because no one in their right mind would ever choose to leave this world, and I use the word succeeded because to say I failed at the attempt is just too ugly to think on... I LIVED!! I succeeded! :) I also have a lot of anxieties that I am working on... Have had a little setback but will get back to where I was... one step... one day... at a time. Kudos to "T" (you know who you are) for pushing me "just enough but not too much."

As for my physical illnesses, I am going to end up empty if they keep taking out parts of me! I lost my poor Gallbladdimir (gallbladder's name thanks to my Spatties) on October 5th. I am STILL trying to deal with this horrid nausea every morning. No, I am NOT preggers. They took all those organs away a little over 10 years ago. Let's give a big YIPPEE for no PMS!!! :) I have talked to a friend who is a dietary specialist. She gave me some basics, but I need to meet with one that has access to my labs, med list, illnesses and such to get a more specific list for ME. In the mean while, I take Phenergan (if that is how it is spelled... I am too lazy to go look at the bottle or do a google) to help with the nausea. Unfortunately, that med happens to cause constipation so I have not pooped in a week. No joking. Told ya in the title... Brutal Honesty. Today, I will be drinking a glass full of that nasty fiber crap and every day after until I finally "go. Don't worry. I will keep you "posted." (Ha! I'm punny!) It isn't actually that bad if you add MiO to it. Good tip there!!

I also have a lot of chronic pain. I have Voltaren gel, which is awesome, for what it can reach, Vicodin for what it can't, and Tramadol for my tummy pains. Most days, I avoid a lot of activity because that causes me to have to take more Vicodin which then causes me to annoy those around me because it makes me talk and type A LOT! If you have any tips on how to naturally alleviate pain due to herniated discs in the neck, degenerative disc disease, scoliosis, twisted spine, bad knees, fibromyalgia... AND the areas that these issues cause pain in... i.e. hips, legs, arms and hands, etc. feel free to COMMENT!!

Well, I think that is enough for now... I believe you can get an idea of how "not fun" and "difficult" my life is. I'm not whining. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I would appreciate if others would accept me as I am... NOT what they had hoped I would be or wished I was. True, I am my father's daughter in many, many ways, but I can GUARANTEE you he would NOT wish me to fallow in his shoes. If I had, I would have been dead 5 years ago. I choose to live. I choose to love me, faults and all. I choose to love everyone whether I know them or not... faults and all, in spite of their differences because it is our differences that make us special. I urge one and all to do the same... "Love with your eyes shut tight and your heart wide open." Yes, that is a quote... of MINE!! Feel free to use it... but give me credit - M.E. Paden. You will see my name on books someday! Just watch and see!

You may wonder why I have decided to air all of my dirty laundry... Believe me, this is NOT all of it. Here is some more honesty. I want to make a difference. A good friend of mine showed me that I can affect the world even if it is simply by sharing a picture on Facebook. Thank you, "D" (you know who you are). BUT... I want to do more. I want to help rid the world of the social stigma placed on mental illness. I want to help others find help BEFORE they get so far into the depression abyss that they can't see the light and end up where I did... in an ER, getting my stomach pumped. I want to help those people who are hiding behind masks because they feel that that is their only option to get others to like them because in reality, if that mask is what it takes, then the friends you find are not really friends at all. I. Want. To. Help. That is why...

For now, I will leave you with a daily affirmation (these can really help if you let them) that I got from Ellen DeGeneres' new book, Seriously... I'm Kidding. Seriously... I suggest reading this book!! It is amazing and wonderful and funny and life altering!! Anyways, here is the affirmation... "I look good with back hair." There are many more, and I will be giving them to you one at a time. Hope you look forward to it as much as I do! :)