Depression and Suicide...

These are not topics that ANYONE wants to talk about, but to not do so when it is necessary is DANGEROUS!! I know first hand. I had signs and symptoms both times that I attempted as an adult, more so the second time. Instead of confronting me, certain family members talked and bitched about me behind my back when they thought I couldn't hear... I could... and that made it all the worse... They admitted AFTER my attempt to saying that I needed to be in a "loony bin" but did nothing about it. Here is some advice... If a loved one has any of the signs or symptoms, DO SOMETHING!!! SPEAK FOR THEM WHEN THEY CANNOT SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES!!!! I was very lucky both times I attempted and was found before it was too late. There is no shame in being Mentally Ill... It is NOT a choice!! There IS shame in not taking advantage when help is offered and you are mentally able! There IS shame in doing nothing for a loved one that is at that point! Don't make that mistake... or you will regret it for the rest of your life!!!! Below is a list of signs and symptoms to look for...

• Increased Isolation – From family and friends
• Alcohol or Drug Use Increases
• Expression of negative attitude toward self

• Expression of hopelessness or helplessness
• Change in Regular Behavior
• Loss of interest in usual activities
• Giving away valued possessions
• Expression of a lack of future orientation (i.e. "It won't matter soon anyway")
• Expressing Suicidal Feelings
• Signs of Depression
• Describes a Specific Plan for Suicide
• History of Suicide in the Family
• A person who has been extremely depressed in the past may be at an increased risk for suicide if the depression begins to cease, as they may now have the psychological energy to follow through on a suicidal ideation.

If you or someone you care about displays any of these warning signs, please do not hesitate to call the hotline!! 1-800-273-8255... It could just save a life!!!!

It Is Almost Time...

...for my disability hearing. I have waited so long! Years! I think back over the years and am so greatful (intentionally misspelled) to be here and remember moments that I have no idea how I made it past. I've had the depression since I was a kid. I seriously don't remember a time that it wasn't lurking in the back of my brain waiting to come out and torment me. It was discovered that I had higher than normal cholesterol when I was 19 (1994). I started having panic attacks and found out I had an irregular heart rhythm and tachyarrhythmia when I was 20 (1995). I could go on with this timeline to the present day, but it is already looking pathetic as it is. I have a lot wrong with me... mentally and physically. The physical really wears on the mental that is already there, but I do NOT let it win!! I will NOT EVER let it win. I have a purpose.

My purpose is not to sit here on my butt collecting a disability payment each month, giving nothing back to my fellow earthlings. I have plans. I am currently doing research/talking to people to see about starting a Mental Illness Support Group here in Bosworth for the surrounding communities. We have so few resources out here in "the sticks." We need to pull together in order to be stronger as individuals. I am also looking into starting an organization for the Community similar to the ISFoundation, if not a "branch" of it. There is a lot that can be done in these smaller communities that will, over time, make a difference on our planet. I want Bosworth to be the first spark... and hopefully through networking... that spark will spread to the other small communities around here. This is going to take some work on my part. I know I can't go it alone with my anxiety issues, but Tausha (my community support specialist) and I are starting a new "phase" of my treatment plan. I will actually be leaving the house every week. We are going to be working on activities that I have lost the ability to do in the last 7ish years. One of the things I want to do is work with the elderly. I used to work in an Alzheimer's Unit and loved it! I would sing to the residents on and off all day. I would sing everything from country to goofy kids songs to gospel. I do an awesome "Amazing Grace" if I do say so myself, and I do! The residents loved it. I can't work with them anymore, but I can still sing... and someday I will!!

Brutal Honesty

I've decided it is time for some brutal honesty. I love honesty, don't you? I am almost always honest. The only times I try NOT to be is when those little white lies are necessary to keep from hurting someone's feelings... "No those jeans don't make your butt look big." When you really wanna say, "Honey, NOTHING could make your butt look small!" Then there is the "Oh, you got all A's and B's! I'm so proud!" when in the back of your mind you are doing your best not to say, "Why didn't you get all A's like your brother? Sure, he tests at genius level, but both of your fathers came from the shallow end of the gene pool!" Anyways, as I was saying, look out world... here comes MY honesty!

I have mental and physical illnesses, both of which tend to affect the other. My mental illness list has more abbreviations than a NASA handbook on driving the shuttle. I once read a bumper sticker that said, "I don't suffer from mental illness, I enjoy every minute of it." Well, I don't. I am depressed a lot. I tend to hide from the world behind closed doors and my computer. I have also attempted suicide twice as an adult, but I succeeded in NOT winning that "non-choice." I say "non-choice" because no one in their right mind would ever choose to leave this world, and I use the word succeeded because to say I failed at the attempt is just too ugly to think on... I LIVED!! I succeeded! :) I also have a lot of anxieties that I am working on... Have had a little setback but will get back to where I was... one step... one day... at a time. Kudos to "T" (you know who you are) for pushing me "just enough but not too much."

As for my physical illnesses, I am going to end up empty if they keep taking out parts of me! I lost my poor Gallbladdimir (gallbladder's name thanks to my Spatties) on October 5th. I am STILL trying to deal with this horrid nausea every morning. No, I am NOT preggers. They took all those organs away a little over 10 years ago. Let's give a big YIPPEE for no PMS!!! :) I have talked to a friend who is a dietary specialist. She gave me some basics, but I need to meet with one that has access to my labs, med list, illnesses and such to get a more specific list for ME. In the mean while, I take Phenergan (if that is how it is spelled... I am too lazy to go look at the bottle or do a google) to help with the nausea. Unfortunately, that med happens to cause constipation so I have not pooped in a week. No joking. Told ya in the title... Brutal Honesty. Today, I will be drinking a glass full of that nasty fiber crap and every day after until I finally "go. Don't worry. I will keep you "posted." (Ha! I'm punny!) It isn't actually that bad if you add MiO to it. Good tip there!!

I also have a lot of chronic pain. I have Voltaren gel, which is awesome, for what it can reach, Vicodin for what it can't, and Tramadol for my tummy pains. Most days, I avoid a lot of activity because that causes me to have to take more Vicodin which then causes me to annoy those around me because it makes me talk and type A LOT! If you have any tips on how to naturally alleviate pain due to herniated discs in the neck, degenerative disc disease, scoliosis, twisted spine, bad knees, fibromyalgia... AND the areas that these issues cause pain in... i.e. hips, legs, arms and hands, etc. feel free to COMMENT!!

Well, I think that is enough for now... I believe you can get an idea of how "not fun" and "difficult" my life is. I'm not whining. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I would appreciate if others would accept me as I am... NOT what they had hoped I would be or wished I was. True, I am my father's daughter in many, many ways, but I can GUARANTEE you he would NOT wish me to fallow in his shoes. If I had, I would have been dead 5 years ago. I choose to live. I choose to love me, faults and all. I choose to love everyone whether I know them or not... faults and all, in spite of their differences because it is our differences that make us special. I urge one and all to do the same... "Love with your eyes shut tight and your heart wide open." Yes, that is a quote... of MINE!! Feel free to use it... but give me credit - M.E. Paden. You will see my name on books someday! Just watch and see!

You may wonder why I have decided to air all of my dirty laundry... Believe me, this is NOT all of it. Here is some more honesty. I want to make a difference. A good friend of mine showed me that I can affect the world even if it is simply by sharing a picture on Facebook. Thank you, "D" (you know who you are). BUT... I want to do more. I want to help rid the world of the social stigma placed on mental illness. I want to help others find help BEFORE they get so far into the depression abyss that they can't see the light and end up where I did... in an ER, getting my stomach pumped. I want to help those people who are hiding behind masks because they feel that that is their only option to get others to like them because in reality, if that mask is what it takes, then the friends you find are not really friends at all. I. Want. To. Help. That is why...

For now, I will leave you with a daily affirmation (these can really help if you let them) that I got from Ellen DeGeneres' new book, Seriously... I'm Kidding. Seriously... I suggest reading this book!! It is amazing and wonderful and funny and life altering!! Anyways, here is the affirmation... "I look good with back hair." There are many more, and I will be giving them to you one at a time. Hope you look forward to it as much as I do! :)