Li'l ol' Me...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I know I have said this before, but this time feels different. I feel different. It has taken 2 suicide attempts and 20 days in a locked-down behavioral health facility and a couple med changes, but it was worth it!! So to kinda quote The Lion King... You gotta put the past behind ya!! And I have!!

New Emmy has all sorts of plans and goals. First, I am getting my hairs cut and dyed. My bedroom is getting an overhaul. I am considering going back to school for Graphic Design... or an English Teacher... or Video Game Designer... or Accounting... My problem is that I love doing so many different things! Once my disability comes through, I am considering buying a home close to Mom, getting a car, taking a vaca... I have started learning Spanish. I'm looking forward to when my allergy serum shots are done... in about 3 YEARS!! I want to work outside... crafts, decorating the yard, gardening, hugging a tree... :)

I always make a few goals to do each day. I've done 2 already. I still have 3 more. It gives me a purpose, and my, sometimes, racing mind calms when I am doing something physical. I also have started helping with Hale's Homecoming this fall... Class Float and Chairperson on the Saturday night Program! I can't wait!!

So tell me all about all of you! I never judge... One of my favorite quotes, "Those who matter don't judge, and those that judge don't matter." So vent away!!!

Brightest Blessings!
~Emmy (aka M.E. aka Mary)

Some of MY Favorite Poems

I wrote this years ago... before I was forced to grow up and was finally able to truly OWN and LOVE myself as I am meant to be - not as others wanted me to be... before I actually knew what it meant and felt like to REALLY love someone... before I realized how precious those around me TRULY were and how much I was losing, hiding from them so they didn't see the real ME - because I was so afraid I would lose their love... Now, I read it again, and every word holds so much more meaning! It is my "curse" to relive these feelings every day except every other weekend... 

My Wish
written and copyrighted by M.E. Paden 

Your words tear at my hear
I hope you don’t mean to hurt me
If only you needed me as I do you
My cheeks would be saved from my tears


I possess an ever present longing
To be held in your embrace
I am nothing without you
Alone, I fear I cannot go on


As you walk out the door
I become a shell of a human being
I am missing something that I dearly need
You have taken with you, the key to my happiness 


It would be so easy for you to appease me
And bring a smile to my face
My one and only wish
Is that you realize before it is too late


************************************

I don't know if I will ever find the peace, serenity that I long for... My world shattered on August 25th, 1987, and I have held onto that grief for so long because the thought of trying to let it go feels like a travesty to his memory... I have carried him with me for almost 25 years and will continue to do so until they return my body to the earth...

Serenity
written and copyrighted by M.E. Paden

I find myself floundering through life
Searching for my happiness…my peace
I am trapped by the web of confusion
It imprisons my mind…my dreams


Sorrow stalks me relentlessly
It thrashes at my hope…
replacing it with misery
Grief is an obstinate irritation


Refusing to surrender my contentment
If only I could break free
From the mist that surrounds me
Then, and only then, would I find serenity…

************************************

I can't remember when I wrote this... or who inspired it... For so long I have been desperately searching for the one that will make me feel complete, protected, cherished and loved. I look back through the years and realize that I had all those things within reach several times only to walk away out of fear. I am alone now and think it is best to stay that way. It is my fault, and I accept that.

Passion Dance
written and copyrighted by M.E. Paden 


I beckon thee
I wait with anticipation
For the moment in time
When we will become one
Two souls entwined
In a blur of passion
Soaring into oblivion
You beginning where I end
I ending where you begin
Time and space will have no place
In our clandestine world
Unity, Ecstasy, Tranquility

************************************

No matter what I have had to deal with in my life, I have almost always found a way to come back home to my Hope. Some have called me strong. It feels like desperation more than strength to me...

The Flame
written and copyrighted by M.E. Paden

a mind bewildered
surrounded by confusion
guided by faith
searches through the night 


a life in despair
surrounded by desolation
welcomed by hope
has not lost the fight 


a soul in pain
surrounded by turmoil
rescued by peace
has finally found the light 


a heart forlorn
surrounded by loneliness
illuminated by love
the flame glows bright


 ************************************

Your Love
written and copyrighted by M.E. Paden 


No longer the innocent
Of not so long ago
Your love is the burning fyre
That has transformed my soul 


You life force surrounds me
Though many lands apart
Your love is the gentle touch
That has healed my aching heart 


My fantasies awaken
Dreams have taken flight
Your love is the searing kiss
That has brought me back to life

************************************

Never, Ever, Forever
written and copyrighted by M.E. Paden

Dreams constantly plague me, 
Loves forgotten, soul mates lost, 
Reminders of what once was, 
What will never be, never.


Hope fills me with delight. 
Sadness, a forgotten foe. 
Happiness, my companion, 
Today, tomorrow, ever.


My life’s spirit sings eternally, 
Its message a humble song, 
Yearning for a soul to hold, 
To cherish, to love, forever.

Thank You, Madonna!!!!

After I finished watching Madonna introduce Avicii in Miami at the UMF last Saturday on the Live Feeds on YouTube, I expressed my disappointment to my son and daughter that neither of them would come in and watch with me. That is when Jimmy informed me that he just doesn't care much for girl singers. Unfortunately, he gets his taste in most music from his father... what I tend to call bust a move, rappin' music that no boy as white as either one of them should be allowed to listen to. He does, however, like quite a few 80s artists, so I let him slip by with a warning. lol Abby said that she believed Madonna just wasn't cool and was just old. So I asked her if she liked Brittney Spears. I already knew the answer... "No." Why? Because she got married and had two kids. She is now "old." lol So, I asked her if she like Katy Perry. Yep. Lady Gaga? Yep. Pink? Yep. Ellen Degeneres? Yep. Well, that was after she pointed out that Ellen doesn't sing - she dances. lol  I told her to just go with me. I had a point. Compliments of the "shit head/smart ass" gene that is passed down from generation to generation she stated that I ALWAYS (eye roll from said child at that point) had a point and could I please get to it? Goddess, I do love her!! Anyways, I asked her to take away the age factor, and consider the people themselves. She then made a MAJOR mistake... She said, "Madonna tries to hard to be like Lady Gaga." Yes, my daughter had the cajonies (spelled correctly - I looked it up!) to actual say that MADONNA was trying to be like LADY GAGA!! WTH?! I then told her that it was time for her to take a step back and listen to what I had to peep into her luscious lobes. I then explained the greatness that IS Madonna. That SHE is a woman who has been inspiring women since the 80s pushing boundaries, hoping to break any mold that any man ever considered to try to push a woman into... so that we can all be who we are... deep inside. Her response was "Mom," with that snotty I'm the smart one tone, "Born This Way... Lady Gaga wrote that." I then pointed out that when Madonna's first LP/Cassette was released that Lady Gaga, aka Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, wasn't even BORN yet... That the fact that Madonna had already started pushing boundaries and changing attitudes and blah, blah, blah was the reason that "Lady Gaga" could even be "Born That Way!" Then we all started laughing!! I, myself, am hoping that she will open herself up to the idea enough that I can give her a proper education in the greatness that is 80's Music. I played ONE song for Jimmy and he attacked my laptop and started listening and then copying all the songs I had on my laptop onto his MP3 player! What was the song? A power ballad maybe? An example of rock as only those great 80's hair bands could create? Nope. I went with "Walk the Dinosaur" by Was Not Was!! It was a no-brainer. My little genius was saying dinosaur names before he was 2 and completely potty trained. Also, it is a great song that is great for dancing. He didn't stand a chance!!! xD Abby is not a lost cause though. One of her friends in Brookfield got her listening to country. That was HUGE!!! Her dad had her ruined for it for years!! Now, she LOVES it! I'll get her hooked on the 80's too!!! Just watch and see!! *winkies*

Since my early adolescence, Madonna has been there for me... on the radio, on my LPs, Cassettes, CDs, and now Digitally on my Computers, in my MP3 player, on my cellphone... Whenever I have needed her, she was there... Always a song that spoke to my soul and soothed, inspired, excited, lifted my spirits... She has walked with me through the years... as a young woman - growing and maturing and evolving, as a singer - artists of the internal heartbeat that is music that every creature possesses within... that links us all... as one with Mother Earth... as new mothers experiencing that one love that is incomparable to any other love... that bond to another that changes us for all time yet again... as lovers only to be betrayed... as survivors, picking ourselves up and moving on, stronger for the pain that shapes us yet again... I am who I am because music has always been there for me. When my daddy died 9 days before my 13th birthday. When I "became" a woman. When I began to learn the spirit dance - instinctive, gentle, primal, fierce... between a man and woman. When I realized I was pregnant at 16 - alone, terrified, and then devastated when I lost it... and still told no one. When I broke out of my small town shell and found a sexy, smart, clever, talented woman beneath. When I celebrated being young, on my own, making my way and going to school. When I found one of the loves of my life and was gifted my baby girl. When I found another one of my soul mates, married him, and was gifted my wonderful son. When I realized that I was a circle peg being shoved into a square hole, When I realized that I would never be accepted as I truly was to be and was a wild, crazy, twisted, angry, sexy she-wolf surrounded by sheep armed with barbed tongues and weapons of vile, verbal destruction. When I started getting physically ill and found myself once again facing the cruelties of live on my own. When I realized that I was strong enough to face life in all its vagaries with my head held high with strength that I pulled from places I never even considered it could be hiding. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am greatful that I was fortunate enough to have a role model to take strength from to face whatever came my way and do it with style if not bravado to cover the weakness. I owe much to Madonna. I am who I am because of her influence as a strong, individual, unique woman who never took anything sitting down, but rather screaming back!! I suppose all that is left to say is... Thank You, Madonna!!!

Ronald McDonald House

I found a blog called Rantings of a Mom while searching for charities using my Swagbucks search engine. I not only received 11 SBs (SwagBucks), but I also found a new way to Give Back/Pay Forward for all the kindness that I have been shown over the last several years when my life has been growing more and more difficult. Giving Back/Paying Forward gives me a reason to get out of bed every day, and I am hoping that soon it will help me to get out of the house. Baby Steps... I'm sure that many of you know exactly what I mean... *shy smile*

Here are the items that were listed that the RMH needs always...

Pinto beans – dried
Canned: refried beans, pinto
Canned: Corn, carrots, peas, mixed vegetables
Canned: tomatoes, sauces
Canned: ravioli, spaghetti, chili, stew
Canned meats (chicken, pork, tuna)
Flour
Sugar
Shortening
Juice boxes
Milk boxes
Vanilla
Brown sugar
Chocolate chips
Nuts
Pasta, packages
Cooking oil
Creamora
Salt and pepper packets
Pepper, Spices of all kinds
Corn tortillas
Paper plates, cups, towels
Plastic spoons and forks
Soups, especially chunky or hearty
Cereal
Oatmeal
Microwave popcorn
Candy, individually wrapped
Snacks, individually wrapped
Laundry soap – powdered
Dryer sheets (softener)
Dish soap / Dishwasher soap
Ziplock bags: Sandwich, quart and gallon

Depression and Suicide...

These are not topics that ANYONE wants to talk about, but to not do so when it is necessary is DANGEROUS!! I know first hand. I had signs and symptoms both times that I attempted as an adult, more so the second time. Instead of confronting me, certain family members talked and bitched about me behind my back when they thought I couldn't hear... I could... and that made it all the worse... They admitted AFTER my attempt to saying that I needed to be in a "loony bin" but did nothing about it. Here is some advice... If a loved one has any of the signs or symptoms, DO SOMETHING!!! SPEAK FOR THEM WHEN THEY CANNOT SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES!!!! I was very lucky both times I attempted and was found before it was too late. There is no shame in being Mentally Ill... It is NOT a choice!! There IS shame in not taking advantage when help is offered and you are mentally able! There IS shame in doing nothing for a loved one that is at that point! Don't make that mistake... or you will regret it for the rest of your life!!!! Below is a list of signs and symptoms to look for...

• Increased Isolation – From family and friends
• Alcohol or Drug Use Increases
• Expression of negative attitude toward self

• Expression of hopelessness or helplessness
• Change in Regular Behavior
• Loss of interest in usual activities
• Giving away valued possessions
• Expression of a lack of future orientation (i.e. "It won't matter soon anyway")
• Expressing Suicidal Feelings
• Signs of Depression
• Describes a Specific Plan for Suicide
• History of Suicide in the Family
• A person who has been extremely depressed in the past may be at an increased risk for suicide if the depression begins to cease, as they may now have the psychological energy to follow through on a suicidal ideation.

If you or someone you care about displays any of these warning signs, please do not hesitate to call the hotline!! 1-800-273-8255... It could just save a life!!!!

It Is Almost Time...

...for my disability hearing. I have waited so long! Years! I think back over the years and am so greatful (intentionally misspelled) to be here and remember moments that I have no idea how I made it past. I've had the depression since I was a kid. I seriously don't remember a time that it wasn't lurking in the back of my brain waiting to come out and torment me. It was discovered that I had higher than normal cholesterol when I was 19 (1994). I started having panic attacks and found out I had an irregular heart rhythm and tachyarrhythmia when I was 20 (1995). I could go on with this timeline to the present day, but it is already looking pathetic as it is. I have a lot wrong with me... mentally and physically. The physical really wears on the mental that is already there, but I do NOT let it win!! I will NOT EVER let it win. I have a purpose.

My purpose is not to sit here on my butt collecting a disability payment each month, giving nothing back to my fellow earthlings. I have plans. I am currently doing research/talking to people to see about starting a Mental Illness Support Group here in Bosworth for the surrounding communities. We have so few resources out here in "the sticks." We need to pull together in order to be stronger as individuals. I am also looking into starting an organization for the Community similar to the ISFoundation, if not a "branch" of it. There is a lot that can be done in these smaller communities that will, over time, make a difference on our planet. I want Bosworth to be the first spark... and hopefully through networking... that spark will spread to the other small communities around here. This is going to take some work on my part. I know I can't go it alone with my anxiety issues, but Tausha (my community support specialist) and I are starting a new "phase" of my treatment plan. I will actually be leaving the house every week. We are going to be working on activities that I have lost the ability to do in the last 7ish years. One of the things I want to do is work with the elderly. I used to work in an Alzheimer's Unit and loved it! I would sing to the residents on and off all day. I would sing everything from country to goofy kids songs to gospel. I do an awesome "Amazing Grace" if I do say so myself, and I do! The residents loved it. I can't work with them anymore, but I can still sing... and someday I will!!

Being Human

I found a new show on Netflix that I rather like... I think... At least I can relate to the characters which could be construed as a weird thing. As I was watching the first epidsode and considering the storylines, etc... It hit me. I can relate to vampires and werewolves more than I can to "normal" humans... Enter Aidan and Josh. Sally, the ghost is just a bonus.

I started feeling "down," for lack of a better term, a couple days ago. I know it is best to stay away from people during this time because not long after the down feeling shows up the agitated, angry, hates the world feeling pops in to join the party. Friday, I did okay. Stayed away from the Feeds and Group on FB. Stayed in my room. Left messenger off. Didn't talk to anyone on the phone unless I absolutely had to. Yesterday, I get this big idea that maybe I have been going about this in the wrong way. Maybe I need to go into the group and just stick to my Spatties. They make me laugh. They can lift my spirits. BAD IDEA! I ended up attacking someone trying to protect a friend and made things worse. My mistake... Won't make it again... People need to fight their own battles... and a good joke is NOT going to help me in anyway. If it could, there would be far less suicides in the world. Less people would find the need to cut or drink or drug out... My problem isn't mental... something that I just thought up... My problem is physical...

How can I relate to Vampires and Weres? I don't always have control of my own body... If I ever do... I take so many medications for my age that I get pity looks from nurses when they send me to see a new specialist. Next weeks new flavor is a new G.I. Specialist. Great! Another person in the world to be obsessed about what goes down my throat and comes out my ass! But ask my ex-husband and his family... ask some of my family and ex-friends... there is nothing wrong with me except I am "lazy" and "messed up in the head." WTF?! Why would ANYONE choose to live like this?! Why would anyone put themselves through all the doctors and tests and medications and surgeries and lectures if they had a choice?!

Well, I do have a choice... 5 years ago, I made the wrong one and was lucky enough to succeed in living through my second and hopefully final suicide attempt! Why not say I had a "failed suicide attempt"? Because I lived, and living is not a failure it is a success... if it is done right, but living with my issues is not easy. The "morning after" my attempt I woke up... Ironically, it was January 1st. I realized that I had a purpose in living... many actually. I know that all the illnesses that I have fought and lost or won have been leading me toward my future path. But... that is for another day...

I do fight... everyday! One of the girls from the high school I graduated from became "Miss Missouri Outstanding Teen" this year and went on to compete on the National level. Her platform is inspiring, but just once I want to see a competitor with platform based on Mental Illness Awareness... Purging the negative views placed on Mental Illness that are so rampant in society. Educating everyone that we can't always help what we say and do, but the pain and regret and guilt are always there no matter what...

We are all animals. Our bodies are subjected to disease that destroys our organs... ALL of them... Hearts, brain, thyroid, liver, gall bladder, lungs... EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. They fuck with our minds... make us feel things like anger and depression and euphoria with no tangible reason. We can either hide, put a mask on, or let it all hang out. Problem is that we are not accepted as we are... We tend to hurt or piss people off without meaning to... I removed my mask 5 years ago. I will NOT put it on again. It was eating me alive... I came to that conclusion as I stood in the doorway to my hospital room, starring at the double, metal, locked doors of the mental ward I was staying in.

We are animals... like the Werewolf on the show... trying to hide what we really are so that we can be accepted and loved and not abhorred. That is why I hide. I have a part of me that I have no control over. It attacks when it wants. I lash out if not contained to my room and from FB... That part was announced to the world 5 years ago. I have one sister who won't speak to me unless she has to. She says I hurt her too much with my attempt. My other sister will never forgive me either. We talk occasionally even though we live less than a block from each other, but it is only superficial crap... My attempt will always be that big, fat baby shit green Elephant in the room. Friends? Real Ones? I run from them... I have since 2003 when one of my favorite friends was killed along with her husband, also a friend and both of her parents who were great people. I run from friends to avoid pain. Yesterday proved that online "friends" can hurt me just as much as the ones I could see if I were to find a way to step out that front door and start to live again. But that would involve me taking chances. I'm not ready...

We are animals. "The moon no longer holds sway over the lycans." A line from Underworld, the first one... the one that got me addicted. The moon holds sway over every living creature. Some have heard nurses, doctors, aides, etc. talking about how the moon can cause a woman to go into labor... it causes mating rituals along with other "animal" things out in nature... it causes "mental" patients to get crazier than they already were... Old Wives Tales? Nope. I worked in an Alzheimer's unit for around 6 months while I was pregnant with my daughter. We dreaded that time of the month. One month, I was 7 months pregnant, I was helping a male resident along with another aide to go to the restroom. A female resident thought this was her husband, and I was taking him away from her. He was NOT her husband, of course, but she wouldn't listen. She slapped one of the other residents with a wet washcloth to get to me and then proceeded to punch me in the stomach. The pain took me to my knees and then to my OB Doc. Abby was fine, but I was scared shitless from that moment until months later when she survived an accidental overdose on my part... Nose drops... EMT/CNA... and I didn't read the box... When she lived, I knew she wasn't going to leave me like all the others had... She was my miracle. But I still feel the moon... the way she affects me. I can't sleep. I get anxious and angry and depressed... I am a Yo-Yo.

I don't write these posts on this blog to get pity. I write them to vent... to try to get people, "normal" people to understand just a little bit of what "we" go through... to influence others to FIGHT to live and to stop hiding from themselves and get the help they need so they can live a semi-normal life on the days that our bodies allow us... to speak out to others so they may help me in the fight to rid the world of the negative social stigma so that, hopefully, the voiceless can be heard and helped... to save lives...